I want to share something that’s very personal to me. I want to preface it with the fact that what I’m sharing doesn’t have any blame attached to it for me. I forgave a long time ago.
What I’m sharing is about the beliefs, behaviors, and the process I’ve been working through to heal from early developmental experiences for me. My desire as I share this is to give people hope.
While on the treadmill at the gym a couple of weeks ago, I read an article in “Women’s Health” about mental disorders in women and the stigma that’s been attached to it. They say 70% of women suffer from some kind of mental disorder and 60% of everyone with it haven’t received treatment in the past year. The high cost of treatment is a big detriment for many people to get the help they need.
The article talked about how little is known about mental disorders by the general public. Because they don’t know, people who suffer from one kind or another are shamed, shunned, and ridiculed for their behavior. “Just get over it,” or “What’s wrong with you?” or “Let me tell you how to fix it…” A mental disorder isn’t something you can just “get over.” That’s why they call it a disorder.
I’ve dealt, with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder my whole life. I don’t remember a time in my life that I didn’t feel an underlying fear (and even unconscious rage) that someone was going to try to kill me. It’s not that I haven’t experienced joy, love and the full range of emotions, because I have.
The way the PTSD affected me is that sometimes when someone would come at me with aggressive, abusive, and angry energy, I would feel threatened, and I would shut down. Part of my consciousness would leave my body in attempt to get away from whatever I perceived as the threat. I was no longer in present time.
Often my own unconscious anger and rage would cause me to shut down the moment the incident would occur. What happens for me is that many of my chakras shut down. I know that when my heart shuts down, my business shuts down. I’m sure you can imagine how this has affected my ability to produce and to let myself have love and abundance.
The feelings were so intense and so terrifying, I would do almost anything to get away from them. For a many years, I self-medicated. I would rather deal with the shame of addiction, especially alcohol, than face the terror of what felt life-threatening. I thank God, literally, I’ve been able to let that go quite a while ago.
I didn’t understand what was wrong with me throughout my life. I continually attracted in people, especially in intimate relationships, who would try to control or outright abuse me because that was what I was familiar with. They were perfect teachers to help me to set better boundaries and to speak up for myself and what I know is right for me. None of this was fun, but I’ve definitely learned a lot, especially as a healer.
The trauma started at a precognitive, developmental stage for me. It was all feelings. For most of my life, this made it impossible for me to put into words what was happening for me. I didn’t understand what was going on, and I couldn’t explain it to people.
Perhaps you can imagine or know the frustration and anger this elicited from people who saw this with me, not that I blame them. They couldn’t help me, and their anger just shut me down more. I was doing the same thing to myself.
For most of my life, this was happening at an unconscious level. Part of my consciousness would freeze if someone came at me with what I unconsciously perceived as a threat.
In that moment, I was right back in the emotional state I was in with the original threat which for me was infantile. Sometimes, it would take months before I’d realize what had happened, and it would feel useless to try to do anything about it at that point.
Since this would happen most often with those people closest to me, including family and friends, I would distance those I loved most. I’ve known all along that what I needed most was love. I also completely understand why people judged me. I judged myself. It was a vicious circle.
I was especially bad at defending myself in those periods. So, often people would think the worst or me, and I couldn’t tell them what they were saying wasn’t even true or do anything to stop it. All of this reinforced my own self-hatred.
Gradually, over time, I’ve been able to understand what’s happening, and I have better coping mechanisms. The most significant thing I’ve done is to clear anyone out of my space that I was allowing to disrespect me in any way or act with anything but kindness. I choose only love in my life.
I’ve been working for several years to learn to love myself. I used to feel that I had a major split with the good side of me and the bad side, and that the two would never meet. With the assistance of my Spirit Guides, I’ve been working to embrace both sides of myself, and to clearly choose what I want for myself, not what others think I need.
I thank God that somehow I’ve never lost my love for people. I’m definitely more cautious about who I let into my life, with circles of loved ones going out, almost like ripples, with me at the center. As each circle gets closer, they consist of the people I trust more and more, and who accept me just as I am. They recognize the love and light that I am.
Through their love, and by simply holding the space for me (BTW: that’s all I need), they are helping me return to my original state which is love. They help me remember who I really am and not what my ego would tell me.
Recently, a friend shared with me a section in “Hands of Light,” by Barbara Brennan that I had read over 20 years ago. She talks about different character structures and some of their typical beliefs and behaviors. One of them describes perfectly what happens for me. Just reviewing the information again after all these years, reinforced the healing and insights I’ve been getting over the last several years with my Guides.
This disorder has caused me to believe it’s not safe for me to fully shine. The fear of being fully seen and the belief it’s not safe to be seen has caused me to sabotage a lot of love and abundance in my life. As this heals, I know that aspects of myself and powerful creative gifts that were buried will reawaken so that I can share them with the world.
Somehow, through all this, I’ve been able to accomplish a lot and to share much of my love and gifts with others through my work as a healer and my writing. I know it’s because what I have to share makes a difference for many people to better their lives. Through God’s love, I feel it’s a miracle I’m alive today and going strong.
I don’t know where this process that my Guides are taking me through is going to lead. I feel like their guiding me to a life even beyond my wildest dreams. I trust them more than ever and have been letting them and God take the lead more so than ever before in my life. It’s an exhilarating ride.
I wanted to share this with you all as there may be some of you who experience something similar going on for you and don’t know what’s going on or what to do. My desire is to give you hope and to let you know that you’re not alone. Most of all, I want you to know that you can heal even devastating disorders like the one I’ve experienced.
I must say that because of having to learn to heal from my own issues, it’s all helped me to be the healer I am today. I can go to some really dark places with people, and I know it’s not who they are. I know that they can heal if they are willing to do whatever it takes.
This has been a process it’s taken me up until now to really be able to talk about. For those people this has affected negatively, I am truly, deeply sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone. I am healing, and I am incredibly grateful.
I share this with you all now as this is where my passion for life and love has brought me. I encourage you to remember and live your passion.
Maren Nelson